It Was Fear of Myself
by miss atari
Summary: He swore he had heard his heart shatter within him. - Hikaru/Kaoru. My first attempt at writing them. Shonen-ai. Twincest! I suck with summaries, so read D:


**n.n; i do believe this came out better than i thought, and its my first attempt at writing this pair. i'd always been a bit sketchy about it because of their being twins and all, but it was worth it if i do say so. in any case, read and enjoy. sorry if they seem a bit OOC.**

disclaimer - definitely not mine, though i wouldn't mind having Kaoru and Hikaru to myself for a night. c.c;

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The sound of high pitched squeals could be heard behind their façade of brotherly love. In fact, they wanted nothing more than to run away from the screaming fan girls and have each other to themselves. That had been what they'd wanted for a long time now, but wanting and acting on said urge were two different things. Two different things entirely.

Kaoru knew in the back of his mind that he'd have to offset his affection toward the boy sitting directly beside him, touching him, twining his fingers softly in his own. He hadn't liked that his feelings toward Hikaru had changed, developed into something more than just brotherly love. He also knew that it wouldn't be widely accepted, and thus sought to end it in whichever way he could conceive. Normally, Kaoru would've chosen the easiest and most effective way out of such situation, but this wasn't normal. No, being in love with one's brother wasn't normal at all. Rather, it was disgusting. A path that shouldn't be followed if they valued themselves at all. At least, that is what had been instilled in them when they had become inseparable.

"Oooh!" An annoying squeak brought Kaoru back from inside his head. He glared at the group of girls before registering in his mind that they were all focused on something else entirely. It had taken him less time to turn his head and watch with the girls than it had taken for him to realize they were indeed drooling over something else.

With his mouth agape, eyes wide and body beginning to tremble, Kaoru had witnessed the most heart breaking thing he'd ever seen in his life. Hikaru mouth pressed featherly against Haruhi's lips, conforming with her mouth instantly, moving together perfectly. Though it lasted only several seconds, the damage had already been done. It hadn't been part of their routine for this to happen, and the last time he checked, Hikaru didn't usually instigate things involving other people and their feelings. What had gotten into his twin?

"Oh! It's so cute!" One girl shouted over top the others, gripping her face in a classic fan girl stance. The majority followed the girl, watching the scene deepened before their eyes, faint sighs and gasps coming from the crowd now gathering around his brother and _her, _Haruhi. They held each other the way lover's do in the movies. Kaoru only stood behind them idly. Waiting, watching and shaking. He swore he heard his heart shatter within him.

"Hi.. Hi-k-karu." He expressed quietly, gaining a few narrowing eyes to shoot in his direction. It was then that he wished he hadn't opened his mouth to say anything. After the first set of girls had turned around, another handful had also done so.

"Kaoru!" The same girl cried over the rest, running forward to stand before the upset twin. He glanced at her through half lidded eyes, slipping his hands into his pockets. Kaoru paid no attention to the girl and stalked forward unconfidently.

"Oh! What are you going to do?!" She whined, following him towards his brother and Haruhi. He said nothing, just walked. The room had fallen quiet, and by that time the rest of the host club and their customers had ceased with what they'd been doing to watch the soap opera love triangle unfold.

"Kaoru," Hikaru's voice jumped. Kaoru inched closer towards his brother, wrapping his arms listlessly around his waist. He leaned his face slowly down to Hikaru's face, noses rubbing together. "Kaoru," he whispered against his brother's features. "Oh, Kaoru. I.."

Kaoru shook his head, running a hand along Hikaru's back until it met with the back of his neck. He twirled several small strands of hair in his fingers, identical eyes locked onto each other.

"Hikaru," he murmured, "I should have known, Hikaru."

In an act of desperation Kaoru pressed his lips against Hikaru's parted ones, they fluttered against them softly. Hikaru sought to press his body against his brother's form, but found it to be futile as the heart broken freshmen tore away from him.

"I'm sorry, Hikaru. I should have known." The teen released his hold on him.

"Kaoru," his voice pained, "I.. I.." Kaoru again shook his head, slipped his hands into his pockets once more and silently walked off towards the door leading out of the third music room. Threatened tears spilled over his confused eyes, saline striking his face.

"Kaoru!"

The boy paid no mind to his name being called and kept walking. Quiet sobs came from the crowd of fan girls and host club members. "Kaoru!" Hikaru yelled after his brother, and again he went unnoticed. The door to the room opened loudly, as the rest of the room was filled with tension and quiet crying. Kaoru took one look back at his brother, stepped through the door and let the handle go.

"Kaoru!" He cried. "No, Kaoru!"

Hikaru stood amidst the group, eyes watching him intently. Many seemed to be pleading with him to run after his twin, his brother, his very reason for existence. Others though, had kept their wondering gaze on Haruhi. How would she take it? Would Haruhi take kindly to being the reason the most adored members of the club had separated? Would she push Hikaru's confession aside and protest that he go after his paining brother? The crowd waited, and only time would tell.

--X--x--X--

Meanwhile, Kaoru fought an internal battle as he walked down the hall, out of the school and to the garden the host club had used for many childish rounds of hide 'n' seek. Had he not been thinking about finding a way to have his feelings hidden from his brother? Had he not been plotting against Hikaru when it came to his feelings for him? Had he not wanted Hikaru to find someone to bring him happiness? But what about him? Surely Kaoru wouldn't be destined to live a life of unhappiness, but without Hikaru there could be no happiness. It didn't exist.

Kaoru came to a stop in the middle of the garden, finding solace in the spot Tamaki and Haruhi always hid in. He placed his elbows atop the stone table, face planted in the palms of his hands. He couldn't stop the kiss they shared from invading his thoughts. It replayed in his mind, and the tears progressed into a quiet sob.

"Hikaru," he choked, "I'm sorry. I never should have." Kaoru rested his head against the cold stone, tears staining the surface. Hikaru had kissed the girl willingly, not the opposite. Hikaru had apparently fallen for her, not the other way around.

And, Kaoru had fallen for him.

Hikaru hadn't fallen for Kaoru, no, that would have been unacceptable.

The sky darkened, informing the heart broken teenager that daylight only had a few more hours to spare. Still, Kaoru didn't move. He had no reason to move, and could stay laying against the uncomfortable table for the rest of his life for all he cared.

He closed his eyes and continued to think. Wondering what would have happened had he not gotten so caught up in his equal, slowly drifting into a restless nap.

--X--x--X--

"Kaoru!" Came a distantly close voice. His eyes shot open upon hearing his name. The boy sat still, wondering who would have bothered to look for him. Darkness was creeping closer, and he knew that he'd have to resort to returning home if he planned on returning to school the next day for another round of pain.

"Kaoru!" It sounded again.

This time, however, a blur sped past the sitting boy.

"Hikaru…?" Kaoru whispered, leaning out of the rose covered area to watch him dart down to the next turn. He had been heard, no matter how feeble his voice had sounded, Hikaru had heard him.

"Kaoru!" The boy ran back and tightly slung his arms around the other teen's waist.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru." He buried his head against Kaoru's neck, crying against the top of his school uniform. The spot became wet quickly. Kaoru made no attempt to hold onto him, instead he tried to wriggle out of his grasp. Hikaru lifted his head to look at him, for once he'd been handed the role of playing the dominant character, though, this wasn't a skit they'd managed to piece together for the joy of their customers; this was as real as it came, tears, heartbreak and all.

"What's wrong, Kaoru?" He gripped his chin lightly, pulling his face towards him.

"Hi-k-karu.. I never should have," his voice pained him, "never should have.. have.." The words caught in the back of his throat and he knew that getting them out would take more work than a simple confession. "Never should have what, Kaoru?" Hikaru cocked his head to the side, taking in the pained attempts at telling his deepest secret. Kaoru's facial expressions distorted into everything he'd felt at point in his life, but never had he managed to confuse Hikaru.

"Kaoru, tell me." He ordered softly, skimming his nose against Kaoru's briefly. The contact sent his heart to his stomach, or what was left of it anyways. He turned his face to the side, giving Hikaru only a cheek to look at. "I can't, Hikaru. You'll push me away even more, and.. I.. I just can't.." His voice gave way as he linked his arms around his twin's body, pulling him closer. Even though he had decided that they weren't meant to be, he still wanted to hold him. Still wanted to feel the warmth radiating off of him, still wanted him to love him the same way.

"Why would I do that, Kaoru? That's stupid," Hikaru voiced. Kaoru gulped, leaning his head against his chest. "Because you l-love her, right? You'll push me away for her." The words spilled forth effortlessly, claiming the last bit of control Kaoru held within himself. Despite always having came off as the one whom had a grip on things, Kaoru couldn't quite control himself when it came to Hikaru.

"Love who? Haruhi?" A faint chuckle was heard in his words, seemingly mocking his upset counterpart. Kaoru nodded against him, holding back tears.

"That's stupid, Kaoru. I don't love her." Hikaru placed a hand under his chin, lifting his face upwards to meet with his own, lips softly pressing against Kaoru's lips. The kiss was gentle, and even laced with passion. Kaoru jumped at the contact, but kissed back willingly. He melted against Hikaru, pressing his body tightly against him.

"You don't?" He gasped, pulling away. Hikaru shook his head.

"T-then why did you kiss her?"

"Because I knew it would get to you."

"Heh." Kaoru's eyes grew wide. "That's mean, Hikaru."

"It worked, didn't it?" Hikaru asked, giving the boy a quick kiss. Kaoru nodded, "It's still mean." They both suppressed laughter over their situation. Kaoru's face flushed as he thought back to how he'd felt earlier that day. To how he reacted to something so trivial. One question still loomed in the back of his mind, one that he knew he shouldn't ask, but wanted to know regardless. If it was meant for them to be together, then he had to ask, had to know.

"So, what does that mean, Hikaru?" Kaoru questioned softly, dragging a hand through his hair. He feared for the worst, but readied himself for the best. He'd already been faced with a break down, and didn't need another one. Besides, wasn't Kaoru supposed to be the more emotionally stable twin?

"I love you?" It wasn't a question, but rather a statement.

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**R&R plx. n.n; - holds out orange flavoured candies - no flames, though if you must D:**


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